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DATELINE VALENCIA:
Dana calmly wiggled her front tooth until it popped out, disappointing Jerry who was ready to try one of Bob McCarty’s tooth removal techniques. It took over two hours for Jerry to get untangled from the string around the doorknob. Also, apparently the tooth fairy has raised her rates to $1 for baby teeth. Oh and an update on the Dana's front tooth article. She lost the other front tooth on Sunday afternoon, so she lost both over the weekend. I know that the 16 McCarty grandchildren before her all lost teeth, but it's a big event around here.

Dana and Brownie Troop 998 performed a clean up of the Santa Clara River which contains no water, but has an assortment of shopping carts, sofas, and hypodermic needles. The river bed is now spotless, but you can’t walk into Dana’s room without stepping on a “My Little Pony”

Kathlene McCarty was re-elected to President of the Valencia MOMS Club. For you trivia buffs that makes Grover Cleveland and Kathlene McCarty as the only two people to serve non-consecutive Presidential terms.

Since the last Metro, Jerry has been to Germany, British Columbia, Chicago, Sacramento, and San Francisco. Jerry has no side effects of the travel except for the fact that his farts smell honey roasted.

DATELINE IRAQ:
In an exclusive interview, Metro reporter Dennis McCarty interviewed anti-U.S. Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr. As the two of them sat in a bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk, Sadr pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and started to reminisce. "This is my oldest son, he's a martyr." "This is my second son. He is a martyr also." After a pause and a deep sigh, the Dennis replied wistfully, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"  
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DATELINE NEW YORK: At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x'and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."