I’m no McCarty; I’m not even Irish. So you’re probably wondering what an Englishman is doing writing a column for the Metro. After dominating the Metro trivia and garnishing a perfect attendance record in all scheduled McCarty chats, the powers that be have asked me to contribute to the Metro. Welcome to my world of contacting corporate America.

A couple months ago my boss called me in for a talk. He had decided that since he rarely saw me around my office, I wasn’t doing any work. Regardless of what I said, his mind was made up and I was not motivated. How does one prove that he is motivated? The answer is simple: Spider Hole Living.

That night I ventured to the local grocery store to buy supplies. I stocked up on the usual Spider Hole necessities; 7-up, Mars bars, hot dogs, and a canned ham. I also decided to pick up some bread and deli-sliced chicken. I opted for the Butterball brand chicken since it was on sale. I bought two packages just to be on the safe side. You never know when you’ll be able to leave your spider hole.

After that work was great. When my boss got to work, I was already there. When my boss left at the end of the day, I was still there. I really showed that I was a team player, although I was probably doing less work. Then disaster struck. I spotted mold on an unopened package of chicken. They say that’s what did Saddam in. Naturally, I had to let the good people at Butterball know what was going on. I contacted them with the following:

I've been working late hours recently. so I've been bringing in lunch supplies to my office. I keep them in the fridge in my office. you can't believe how confused I was today when I tried to make a sandwich and found mold on an unopened package of chicken breast lunch meat. the package is still sealed and has a sell by date of APR 06 FB. WHAT GIVES? The fridge is cold. Why does your meat go bad so quick? I took a picture of the mold with my webcam. If you want, I could send you a picture.

After careful consideration by their crack, “Quality Assurance Department,” they confirmed they had no idea how mold developed in an unopened package of chicken. They also gave me a check for $4 to compensate me for my trouble. Four dollars really buys a lot of Hillshire Farm lunch meat. Until next month, stay mold free.