Christmas Time Well FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, It’s Christmastime and that means those McCarty Morons will be planning for their fancy schmancy Christmas Parties. “Ewwww! I’m going to invite all of my friends from work for a special holiday dinner party.” Fiddle-Fooey! Thinking about those Yule Tide Yahoos makes me hotter than the non-UL approved lights my Dad used to put on our Christmas Tree.
Those Party-Pooping Parents will get babysitters for their kids so that they don’t screw up their crappy party. When I was a kid, our parents had nothing to worry about because we did whatever we could to stay away from our rotten relatives. If you stayed around, you’d have some Aunt reeking of high balls, trying to kiss you, and tell you how big you were getting. Then someone would give us a quarter and start asking us questions about school and stuff. At the end of the party, my parents would usually find me hiding under the bed in a fetal position with lipstick all over my face and a quarter in my hand. | And those Gourmet Goofballs will be putting together some fancy spread of food with a lunchmeat platter from Meijers and some Ambrosia Salad. When I was a kid, you got a choice of two things for a main course. You got Kielbasa or you got nothing! And for a side dish, there would be a crock pot of Pork and Beans. My Aunt Laverne would go back for seconds and thirds saying, “Jean, the beans are marvelous”. Having a roomful of old people loaded with Kielbasa and Beans was like having a time bomb in the party, but we didn’t care we loved it. Because, Aunt Marge always brought a Banana Cake for dessert. And those Holiday Ho-Hums will be playing their crappy Christmas music with songs that will put you to sleep. I’d rather listen to a garbage disposal than hours of the Kenny G and Yanni Christmas Albums. When I was a kid, the only holiday music that we played at our parties was my Mom playing the Piano. Sometimes, Aunt Joan would join in on the Guitar and my mom would call out the chords. Every Christmas song sounded like this, “Silent Night. G Flat, Holy Night, G7 , All is Calm, A, All is Bright G Flat. It sounded like a Christmas version of Battleship, but I didn’t care, I loved it!! Because I got to make the Dog sound in “Something Barked on Christmas Morning.” |  
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So enjoy your fancy schmancy Christmas Party and while you’re bored to death with your co-workers, I’m going to make myself a high ball and cook some Kielbasa and Beans on a hot plate and then I’m going to go into the bathroom and play my own special version of “Silent but Deadly Night”. Merry Christmas |
