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 DATELINE: CLINTON TOWNSHIP, MICHIGAN
I am sooooo worried. On Monday, I found out via e-mail that my Pay Pal account (which I don't have) has been flagged for possible unauthorized use. In the same week on Wednesday, my E-Bay account (which once again, I don't have one), has been accessed by someone overseas. And the killer one... My Bank of America account (which I don't have) has been threatened to be deactivated because of fraudulent usage. Thank God that all those emails came with a link that goes to an unknown third party not associated with the companies involved, so I can give them my social security number, account number, and access codes. NOW... I feel safe!!! And more good news came my way... Seems a high ranking member in the government of Nairobi is leaving me 5.5 million dollars. So I gotta go and send their lawyer my social security number and $1000 for processing. I'M RICH!!!! I'M RICH!!! Well, that's about it. Oh yeah, so stranger sent me an email and he must be psychic. He was able to tell I have a small penis, am depressed, need to quit smoking, have acid reflux, high blood pressure... did I mention the small penis??? Thank goodness he sold me all the meds I needed... Alls I can say is "Thank Goodness For E-Mail!, and may God have pity on the people who believe in those same emails."
- DATELINE: HELL
John Bailey, an engineer, died on September 1, 2006, and reported to hell. In just a couple days, Bailey got dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and started designing and building improvements. After 3 weeks, Hell received air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and Bailey became a very popular guy. On September 27th, God called Satan up on the telephone and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replied, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replied, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan said, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God said, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughed uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
| - DATELINE: SESAME STREET
The Muppets are diversifying their appeal by "coming out" with their latest movie. (ED NOTE: Jim Henson just rolled over in his grave)
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Check Out This Hilarious Video And Audio Clips | Mr. Ugo And Brother Take
Mom's Hedges To Curb A little Ouzo is nice.
A lot of Ouzo is hilarious Click For Video | The Best Beer
Commercial Of The Year This beer video
is smokin' hot Click For Video | Brad Savage
Writes New Song Without Eric Swan, this former
Cockroach struggles writing lyrics Click For Video |
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| THE McCARTY METRO
PROTECTING OUR READERS | . | | . | . | . |
EVERYONE SHOULD DO THIS!
Something cool that Xerox is doing. If you go to this website, letssaythanks.com, you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it, and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to some member of the armed services. How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!! This is a great site. Please send a card. It is FREE and it only takes a second. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our guys and gals over there need to know we are behind them.
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| - LATEST NEWS ON THE SPINACH SCARE
The McCarty Metro has learned that the spinach industry has hired a big gun to squelch a negative public perception about their product after the e-coli scare from this past month. Click here to view one advertisement.
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. A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT
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 - DATELINE: HARRISBURG, PA
In July, 2004, Su Wong married Lee Wong. On the 17th of this past month, the Wong's had a new baby. The nurse brought over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs Wong name the
baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him
Sum Ting Wong."
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METRO CLASSIFIED ADS
| IN MEMORIAM 
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McCARTY METRO GOODWILL AMBASSADOR??? ED NOTE: I sent our resident reporter, Chuck Pottenger, out to interview the various mayors of the suburbs of Detroit for a special in-depth voter election article for this month's McCarty Metro. I wasn't aware that Chuck would turn out to be our resident goodwill ambassador for our newspaper. Here is his report from Detroit Receiving Hospital. - DATELINE: GROSSE POINTE, MICHIGAN
On a beautiful September afternoon, as I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important interview at the mayor's office that my editor sent me on, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!" So I did..........
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I get out of the hospital in about 3 months. It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.
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Mike On
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DETROIT TIGERS' POST-SEASON BROADCASTING BABBLE
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Now that the Detroit Tigers are in the baseball playoffs, local announcers Mario Impemba and Rod Allen get to show off their motor-mouths for bigger audiences. For baseball fans who may not be familiar with their regular drivel, here is a fantasy sample of Mario and Rod in the World Series. ED NOTE: The Amazing Mario & Rod are able to keep this scintillating banter up for nine innings.
. MARIO: Well, Rod, the Tigers are definitely ready to play the Mets in the Big Show.
ROD: No question. They've got Polanco back, they've got a fantastic pitching staff with an ERA better than half-a-run than anybody else, they've got ...
MARIO: (interrupting) The Tigers did stumble a little late in the regular season. Could that hurt them?
ROD: Maybe you didn't hear me the first time, pardner. When you said they're ready, I said "no question."
MARIO: I heard you, without question.
ROD: And there's no question about today's starter, Justin Verlander. He's mixing up his pitches better and is keeping opposing batters from getting comfortable at the dish, does Verlander. | 
| MARIO: (interrupting) His batterymate is a quality player, too. Pudge Rodriguez is a quality catcher who is a shoo-in for the Hall of Fame. He also knows how to handle the young Tigers pitchers, does Pudge.
ROD: Yes, but I'm not done talking about Verlander, pardner. Did you see the cheese he was throwing Tuesday night? He was up around 95, 96 miles per hour. And then Jim Leyland brings in Zumaya who hits triple digets on the gun. That's unfair.
MARIO: Without question.
ROD: The Mets batters will have trouble against Justin, from an offensive standpoint.
MARIO: Without question.
ROD: And you youngsters out there will want to watch Guillen at shortstop. He keeps his shoulders square to the play, so when he catches the baseball he's ready get off a good, solid throw to first base.
MARIO: Another quality comment, Rod. |
Match the baseball broadcaster to the phrase he made popular: 1. George Kell, Tigers
2. Chris Berman, ESPN
3. Ernie Harwell, Tigers
4. Bob Scheffing, Tigers
5. Lou Boudreau, Cubs
6. Harry Caray, Cubs | A. "Kiss it goodbye."
B. "He stood there like the house by the side of the road and watched it go by."
C. "Norm deck on Cash."
D. "It might be...it could be...it is! A home run! Holy cow!"
E. "Back, back, backbackbackbackback...gone!"
F. "He hit it a mile!" |
BONUS HARWELL:
"It's two for the price of one for the Tigers." (after a double play)
"A man from (name of a Michigan city) willl take that one home." (when a foul ball goes into the seats) ANSWERS: 1F, 2E, 3B, 4C, 5A, 6D |
AROUND THE NATION (The dumb get dumber & the smart get smarter)
. - DATELINE: CHICAGO, ILLINOIS
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"
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The White House Has Finally Released A Clear Link
| - DATELINE: MODESTO, CALIFORNIA
Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
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INTERNATIONAL METRO BUREAU DATELINE AFGHANISTAN
Is he, or isn't he... That is the question. Rumors have been circulating for months that Osama Bin Laden is dead. US Intelligence has no clue as their Taliban and Al Quaeda co-operatives have neither been able to confirm or deny those reports. Wanting to get to the bottom of these rumors, but unable to get full funding from the McCarty Metro, the this publication authorized a photographer, but not a reporter to go to Pakistan to root out the truth. The Metro photog confirmed that the terrorist is alive, although he was animated in on picture shot 2 months ago, he did look quite frail and skinny this past week.
 |  | | Although he was quite animated in the summer | Osama looked a little frail this past week |
DATELINE DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES
An engineering master piece in Dubai. It's now all finished. Notice the palm trees outside. Remember, this is in the middle of the desert. The very HOT desert where temperatures Get up to 120 degrees. Unbelievable, but true. Question: Why were we pay $3.00 a gallon for regular unleaded? Answer: So they can ski in the F#*@ING desert
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AND FINALLY... STEVE IRWIN: 1962-2006
The Crocodile Hunter died from a lethal stingray attack but leaves behind a wildlife rescue mission and a daughter ready to follow in his footsteps In a ceremony celebrating Irwin's life, 8-year-old Bindi Irwin read her words to the crowd, running her tiny finger across the paper as she went along. "My daddy was my hero," she said. "He was always there for me when I needed him. He listened to me and taught me so many things, but most of all, he was fun. I know that Daddy had an important job. He was working to change the world so everyone would love wildlife like he did."
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Here is a video tribute to "The Crocodile Hunter"
HAVE A GREAT DAY! |
