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the McCarty Metro
|Quick Puzzles (bet you don't know them)||Trivia Time|
1. What is
.2. What is
|3. At what time after 4pm are the minute and hour and second hand of a standard clock perfectly aligned on top of each other? Answer|
4. Forward I am heavy, but backward I am not. What an I? Answer
5. This is a most unusual paragraph. How quickly can you find out what is wrong with it? It's so usual, you would think nothing is wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It's unusual, though. Study it. What is so unusual about it? Do you know? Answer
6. If you throw it off the highest building it will not break. If you place it in the ocean it will. What is it? Answer
7. What's the pattern to the numbers 8 5 4 9 1 7 6 3 2 0 ? Answer
April Trivia Answer:
In popular Disney movies, what Disney lead character never spoke?
Congratulations to Jennifer Romano (Amanda McCarty's roommate) for the correct answer. For those that guessed Pluto, although Pluto never spoke, he was also never a lead character in a Disney movie.
|Metro Sound Off - Letters To The Editor|
| Hey Ed. How can the Metro fall for phony pictures? That is not Jerry McCarty at the Oscars, it is Schneider from "One Day at a Time". -Valerie Bertinelli|
ED NOTE: Val... That is nonsense. There is no way that picture is of Dwayne Schneider because if it were the veteran actor Pat Harrington Jr., we would have paid dearly for him to pose for us. Oh no... it is actually Jerry's stunt double and director... Mr. John Waters.
|Jerry playing John?||or||John playing Jerry?|
| Dear Editor, With gas prices climbing, does the Metro have any suggestions to conserve fuel? -To Fat to Ride a Bike|
ED NOTE: Good idea fat-wannabe-biker. I was watching that movie Mad Max, you know that movie where gas is so precious that people are killing each other for a few gallons. It was set in the future -- I believe it was August. We at the Metro have been hurt to by the rising prices. Here is a picture of my new car-pool into the Metro offices.
Kelly, Another great Metro for April. Thanks for putting this together each month. -GRMac
ED NOTE: Thanks Mike. It is always easier when lots of people submit articles like this month. I commend my readers for doing so. Great Job.
Editor. I heard from one of my moles that the Cockroaches are planning to play again this summer. Is it true that we will once again be treated with the talents of Brad, Eric, Bob, Carl, Lance & Rambo? Oh Mr. Editor, please say its' true! -Ken
ED NOTE: All right everybody. No more liquor for Ken. And also, for health reasons... I would get that mole surgically removed as soon as possible.
Kelly, Haven't seen you in a long time and sorry I won't be at the Guller this year. Have a few ginger ales for me and have a great time. I really enjoyed "A Journey With The Lord" I passed it along to several people. Sorry about the loss of Margaret's mother. She sounds like a great woman. Great Metro edition by the way. -Larry Wendt
ED NOTE: Thanks Larry. Since you won't be making the trip to Gull Lake this year, just make sure you FEDEX Steve O and me the fresh bagels and lox for our breakfasts each morning.
|Top Ten Tricks to Liven Up a Meeting|
Tired of the same, boring meetings where dozing off seems like the best solution. Well, here are 10 sure-fire ways to liven up your next business meeting...
1. Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.
2. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
3. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are ready to pass gas.
4. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
5. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
6. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
|7. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.|
8. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
9. Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
10. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"
|Metro Caption Contest|
Last Month's Results
- Boy Jay, until now we all thought our heads were large! -Jim Seeling
- Yes, Brad Savage does buy all his pants from Disneys' 101 Dalmatian store. How did you know? -Kelly
- The next step in the Record Plessing Plocess is the Master....The Master. -Jerry McCarty
- Hey guys, thanks for coming on my show, Sanxuary was booked and we needed a fill in. -Steve-O
- Geez guys, thanks for coming on my show, but where is Eddie Stein, Lake Speed, and Paul Stevens? And how the hell did Rambo get in this band? He is young enough to be Lance's wife's first husband. -Steve-O
- Jay, I've been interviewed by "Rockin' with Rob" Binge. "Rockin' with Rob" Binge was a friend of mine. Jay... YOU ARE NO "ROCKIN' WITH ROB" BINGE! -Rob
- Our next appearance will be at the Staples Center tonight.... We got tickets to see the Lakers!!! -Lynn
- Jay, our last interview was with Rockin Rob Binge ... now that cat was funny!!! -RR Binge
- So Jay ... what are you going to do with this pee stained couch? -Ex-Cockroach
- What do you mean we SUCK??? -Speed
- "Sooo... we're playing, right, and this HUGE cockroach comes out of no where..." -Meg
- Okay... everyone move back and I'll show you. But, I'm telling you... it's THIS big! -Jillian
- Yes, Jay, we like the Mixology column, too. Now, does your band know "Bar Car," key of, um, Brad, did we play that in a key? -Mac
- Can I be frank, boys? I thought the Cockroaches went downhill when Eddie Stein left the group. -Mac
Quotes From Famous Mothers
|In honor of Mother's Day, here are some not so famous quotes from some famous mothers.|
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?".
BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple!"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset the you lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!"
BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance will be!"
GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the past 3 days!"
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
FIND THE MAN
Somewhere In this picture of coffee beans is a man. See if you can find him
This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious. Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think, Why didn't I see him immediately?
Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, your right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, your right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein.
If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!!
|May Joke o' The Month|
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36. Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
|To The May 2006|
McCarty Metro Staff
Gerry Bufalini, Jerome Klotz, Sandy Kallek, Jerry McCarty, Kathlene McCarty, Kristen McCarty
Kelly McCarty, Larry McCarty, Margaret McCarty, Mike McCarty, Steve McCarty, Ron Patlewicz
Gwenda Perez, Millard Pickney, Chuck Pottenger, Chris Rzepka, Denise Sidor, Larry Wendt, Mike Wiacek
Traveling Link Of The Month - NEW YORK
|Link Of The Month|
How many people? How many hours on the internet? How many lightening strikes. How many deaths?
|To The McCarty Metro!|