Y'ALL COME BACK NOW... HEAR!

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Hello McCartys and other Yankees,

Here's what I did last month. I wanted to buy an attack dog to protect my home from burglars and the occasional salesman, so I visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. I told the kennel owner that I wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog there, so he offered to take me on a tour of the premises. After we had been walking for a few minutes, we came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," I said. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you." 

We continued walking around the premises, and after a while we found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at both of us and even tried to bite me through the wire on his cage. "Ah," I said. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

We continued our tour. Eventually, we came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as we approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. I was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" I exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog." "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a Jehovah Witness, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

HERE ARE SOME SURE-FIRE SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE FROM MY NEIGHBORHOOD

You might be a from my neighborhood if...
  • The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  • You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
  • You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  • Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this!"
  • You've got more than one brother named, "Darryl."
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
  • You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
  • You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
  • Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
  • You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  • Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
  • You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  • Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
  • You get stopped by a cop who asks if you have an ID, and you say, 'bout what?'

DID YOU KNOW????

Did you know that even though I have been a Tennessee resident for about 20 years, I still carry my Michigan map around with me everywhere I go!!!

WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD THIS MONTH?

Meet Cooter. Most people say he looks just like Brad Pitt. He pumps the gas at our local fillin' station. Cooter is really popular with the women in our town ever since his wife Emily Sue died. I remember that sad day vividly... Cooter called 911 when Emily stopped breathing. The 911 operator told Cooter that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Cooter replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Cooter said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
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I bet you thought Garfield was the laziest cat in the world. Well, I got news for you. Mr. Priss is the all-time laziest cat. Shoot... It ain't even close!!! Here he is watching TV while drinking a Bud Lite. I will say though that it would be cool if he ate Lasagna like Garfield. How sweet would that be???

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Sunday afternoons in my neighborhood consist of going to church, playing a little horse shoes with Don at Big Earl's house, and then coming home to a nice home-cooked meal that Carla made. The most entertaining part of the Sabbath is listening to Big Earl's wife scream every time she falls in the toilet.

OOOPS... The horseshoe game is over!

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Did you know that we have a state of the art weather station right here in town? Sure, we don't have no Doppler Radar, but we do have something a lot more accurate... "THE ROCK" 

One weather report I would like to see added to the LWS (Lebanon Weather Station) is in case a Tsunami hits Tennessee. So I am starting a petition to add that, and the indicator would be... "IF YOU SMELL... WHAT THE ROCK... IS COOKING! 

Merry Christmas From The South

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