.
What's this
phrase?

Answer
.

.
What's this
word?
.

Answer
.

Last Month's Results

• Be still my beating heart, that Barbara Walters is HOT! -Lynette Rohde

• Babs, want to feel my man boobs? -Eric Swan

• he he, Barbara, he he, do you like big breasts? -Steve-O

• That's a good question Barbara. If I could run my car into any tree, I think I would say a cherry tree. -Ed

• Ah.... where are your.... ya know.... your..... shoes. -Sis

• I wonder if my boobs are bigger than hers. -chicksrus

• As I was climbing up the bamboo tree, I noticed all the odd looks I was getting from all the other Koala's.. What do you mean I'm not a Koala? -gwenda

• Hoo-boy, Barbara, I told you my butt could hit the bottom of this chair on the second try. -Geraldo

• Vewwey interesting, Mr. McCarty. You say this is an air banjo? -Jed Clampett

• I'm sorry, Missus Walters, I forgot about the restraining order. -Sam Donaldson

• Yes, Barbara.  I am a great believer in auto safety.  For instance, I have spent the last several years volunteering as a crash dummy for Ford. -John Hasse

• "Be twuthful with me Mike, and tell me the twue stowy of the Wost Cause" -Baba WaWa

• One time I did that Church and Steeple thing and got stuck and had to go to the Emergency Room" -Jer

• Mike McCarty, longtime copy editor at The Grand Rapids Press, reacts to comments by Barbara Walters about "The View" co-host Star Jones Reynolds' recent breast lifts. -Metro Reader

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

• Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but they don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? THEY'RE BOTH DOGS!!!

• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

• Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

• Stop singing and read on..........

• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

• Do you ever wonder why you subscribed to the McCarty Metro  in the first place

March 30, 2006
.
Dear Metro Staff:

It is advised that when you come to work under the basement steps, that you dress according to your salary. If I see you wearing Prada shoes & carrying a Gucci bag I assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore, you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each reporter will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. 
.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
.
SICK DAYS: I will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the bathroom. There is now a strict 3-minute limit in the john. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted in the McCarty Metro under the "Chronic Offenders" page.
.
SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
.
Thank you for your loyalty to The McCarty Metro. I am here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
.
Thank you for your cooperation,

Editor
McCarty Metro