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Winter!

Well it’s January, and that means those little McCarty grandbrats will be staying inside snuggled up in their fleece shirts, watching TV, and drinking their Venti Starbucks lattes. It would take a fire or a national emergency to get them to go outside in the snow. Just thinking about those Winter Wussies makes me more steamed than the un-insulated windows on our house on Sussex in Detroit. 

Nowadays these Lazy Loafers have to have a snow blower to clear their driveways or else they pay some poor neighborhood kid $5 to bring his snow blower over. When I was a kid, we cleared snow the old-fashioned way. We shoveled it! We’d have to go out there 3 or 4 times during one snowfall. Then, you would be pushing the shovel; hit a crack and get then handle of the snow shovel right in your belly (if you were lucky). One time, my brother Larry tried to attach a snow shovel to the front of his Chevy Vega to make a snow plow to clear the driveway. It was a great idea, until the snow shovel handle went through his radiator. Sure we got frostbite, bad backs, bruised nads, and hundreds of dollars of car damage, but we didn’t care, we loved it!! Because we appreciated the hard work. 

And when those Frosty Freeloaders have to go outside, they wear their thermal underwear, fancy schmancy Gortex coats, and their double insulated gloves. When I was a kid, every pair of gloves we owned had holes in the thumbs, so you had to put your thumb in one of the finger holes and double up one of your fingers in other holes. And if we didn’t have gloves we would go out with gym socks on our hands. We looked like a bunch of thumbless hobos, but we didn’t care we loved it!! Because we were happy with what we had.
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And those Snowy Sissies have every convenience known to man to make their winter more bearable. They’ll have their heated garages, electric blankets, heated car seats, and electric windshield ice scrapers. When I was a kid, the only device I ever got was a hand warmer that I got from the Detroit News for getting a lot of new “starts” on my paper route. This hand warmer was a metal device filled with kerosene and you lit it and put it in a felt cover to keep your hands warm. This must have been before consumer product testing, because this thing was pretty much like caring around a really good looking Molotov cocktail. After a few paper boys burst into flames, they stopped giving them out. Sure we got third degree burns on our hands, but we didn’t care, we were happy to be warm.

So you just go ahead and sit on your comfy couch in front of your fireplace sipping your hot cocoa. And if it isn’t too much trouble, try to stand up and look out on your driveway every once in a while, because you might just see a real McCarty out there in the freezing cold with a couple of smelly gym socks on his hand trying to figure out how to get a shovel out of his radiator.

Have a Happy Winter Solstice.


The McCarty Metro
9323 Sussex
Detroit, MI 48228
VE8-9470

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